A return to the horror of watching LinkedIn come to life

The world has been spinning about its axis since the last series of The apprentice in October 2019, yet I still see a group of blank idiots in an airless, windowless boardroom giggling politely as Lord Sugar emits tired mouthpieces like, “You are not fired, you are fired.” reassuring? Or sadly outdated?

The apprentice is formal, lengthy, often boring and usually only really worth seeing in the first half, with the unfortunate “candidates” going full Young Enterprise to bustle on London’s most camera-friendly streets and vulnerable pedestrians. The second half, where they sacrifice each other in the boardroom, is never as interesting as the pantomime setup would have us believe.

Obviously, I want to see it all, because self-esteem, pomp, delusions and fatal mistakes are sadly very entertaining, and I love how great I feel – as someone who has no entrepreneurial spirit, no sign of business acumen. nor any understanding of markets or actually money – knowing that I would definitely do a better job than these bozos. In this case, however, I have to wonder if I would also have done a better job than Lord Sugar himself.

If I had a lengthy reality “process” centered around business, it was back after more than two years to a society and market ravaged by a pandemic that has forced companies to close, employees to work from home, offices to be left permanently and costing billions of pounds in government rescue packages, I would not have chosen to alert the company’s bounce-back “with a task involving luxury cruises.

Apprentices 2022 candidates Francesca, Kathryn, Stephanie and Sophie prepare for Bouji Cruises’ maiden voyage (Photo: Naked / BBC)

It was a British cruise ship, so we will not forget it Diamond Princess, which in February 2020 was forced to dock and quarantine in Yokohama for a month when an early coronavirus outbreak infected nearly a quarter of its 3,700 passengers and killed nine of them.

Several cruise lines have been shut down in recent years, governments have discouraged cruise travel because its conditions encourage the rapid spread of disease, and all travel now requires complicated, ever-changing and expensive test requirements. Certainly, the travel industry needs a boost. If only this mass could have given it one.

As always, when the 16th series began, it was girls vs boys (and they refer to them infantile as girls – or “ladies” – and boys)

This was immediately felt by. Not political correctness went crazy before protesting, but because this unit seems deliberately set up to prevent us from considering men and women as equals while encouraging candidates to exhibit the most boring gender stereotypical behavior: women with big blond hair and light body. dresses that shout at each other and bitches; ugly men looked up as if they were on their way home from a rugby club dinner and with about as much common sense.

Both endeavors were appalling. The women called their company “Bouji Cruises” – quite clever with the idea of ​​rebranding cruises for groups of young female friends. Unfortunately, their dingy advertising campaign boasted that the holiday would allow passengers to “live the lavish lifestyle”, and little account was taken of the fact that no one, including half the team, understands what “Bouji” means (different for everyone, but involves brunch!) nor that it brings to mind the great tradition of the “liquor cruise” – which honestly would have been a lot more fun.

The men, meanwhile, also wisely chose to make money in the middle-aged wellness market, but unfortunately “Seaquility” sounded far less like the title of a nautical yoga retreat and more like the name of a painful infection whose recovery requires a pressure-relieving pillow.

This was only exacerbated by their logo, a brown peat with legs and a wave of the head. There are reportedly dangerous amounts of raw wastewater off the British coastline, so I suppose it at least looked like an accurate representation of how a passenger could get out of the canal while swimming back to shore after throwing himself overboard within 30 minutes after setting sail.

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I was still excited, though, that Bouji Cruises was going to sink, but somehow, led by the completely uncooperative pajama mogul Katherine, they won. Tim Campbell observed them throughout – winner of the first series and Claude Littner replaces – who spent much of this episode in horror and similarly seemed shocked by the result.

The apprentice is a comedy. Can we all just agree on that now so the production team can inject some life into the editing and really go into town with the side pieces, eye rollers, cutouts and mockumentary looks for the camera that more in this series than ever they threaten to do?

For far too long we have been letting the BBC pretend that this is a real business competition, but even though I like my Tropic pillow fog (Susie Ma, third place, 2011), it is no longer about unhappy candidates or innovation or safe at all. It’s about seeing the real horror with 16 LinkedIn profiles coming to life.

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